One Stupid Person

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.” - Neil Gaiman

No offense: the easiest way to, indeed, offend

I feel that this moment should be dedicated to a specific cause. The issue? Saying what someone isn't instead of saying what there are. Let me give an example.

In August I was at my grandparents house celebrating my niece's first birthday. We had an excellent time, laughing and cutting up, enjoying each other's company and my niece's amusement as she ate her miniature chocolate cake. There was a conversation that occurred after the cake was devoured that had me wishing I could hide away and cry in private. I was embarrassed and horrified and just (for lack of a better word) sad. Really, really sad.

My dad's girlfriend had mentioned--to my grandma more than to me--that she thought I should leave my job and go elsewhere. In itself this is not a flawed idea, except for the fact that the job she wanted me to take would mean I would be making less money. Not appealing in any way, shape or form. This segued directly into a conversation about how I needed to leave my place of employment not because it is, inarguably, a dead-end job, but rather because I need to find a husband. Because my primary goal in life should be getting married and making babies. Because this is 2010 and women only work to find compatible body parts that will allow their baby-makers to flourish. Obviously.

"Amanda, no offense, but you will never find a date in a messy kitchen. No one sees you back there but high schoolers." Offensive, but not the lowest blow yet. I agreed that the kitchen was tucked away, recessed into the smallest niche where no one would find me. A place so remote that even if he had been looking, a decent man couldn't find me. This I understand, wholeheartedly, but all this one-sided conversation did was hurt me and more so as it progressed. Naturally from there the conversation went a little something like this: "And it's really not like you're ugly or anything."

Here's my opinion on that: DO NOT TELL SOMEONE THEY ARE NOT UGLY (unless, of course, the statement that directly follows is: "You're beautiful") EVER! Do not tell someone what they're not--tell them what they ARE. Telling a person they are not "ugly" or "unattractive" or whatever does not automatically mean they are attractive. Telling someone they're not stupid doesn't mean they're intelligent. Telling a person they're not guilty doesn't make them innocent. Telling someone you don't hate them doesn't mean you like them.

I don't know if it would have been better for her to just tell me that she thought I was kind of ugly... At least then nothing is sugar-coated--she's not pretending in any fashion.

I hope you're happy. No, really!

Sarcasm is as much a skill as it is a crutch. I use it even when I know I shouldn't, when I am painfully aware that I am coming across poorly, or in a way I do not wish to be painted. It happens. To all of us, really. And most phrases can go either way--sarcastic or sincere--the inflection and tone of one's voice is the difference between the two.

What about the phrase: "I hope you're happy."

It came up while I was working several days ago and it has stuck with me. Say it aloud. Okay, how does it sound? Do you sound like you mean it? Or do you sound like a complete and total ass? Yes, keep saying it, let's try to work on your level of sincerity. Try out different tones of voice, try adding emphasis on different words, play with it a little.

Suggestions:
I hope you're happy.
I hope you're happy.
I hope you're happy. (My personal favorite)
I hope you're happy.

The first two seem the most benign, the final two are, inarguably, the most blatantly evil. My personal preference is cut and dry sarcasm: I hope you're happy [because I am angry as hell]. Honorable mention for I hope you're happy [because you effed up BIG, my friend].

If there is one solely insincere phrase, there must be more.

TIP #45533: Avoid French Prison

This is me recommending a book to you--a memoir which was also made into a relatively entertaining movie called Catch Me if You Can. The book is of the same title and is much, much, much (continue with this word until you feel I would be content) better. There is a reason why it is said that you cannot EVER judge a book by its movie. I genuinely loved the book, I can't say enough about it, so it gets this tiny post.

Oh, and don't EVER commit any crimes in France (it's best you don't commit crimes anywhere, but I understand you must live your life as you see fit) unless you want to literally (yes, literally) live in a filthy, five foot by five foot cell without any accomodations whatsoever--including, but not limited to, lighting of any kind and bathroom facilities. Literally complete and total darkness and filth for a year.

Long story short: excellent book.

Writing Anyway

As you can see I posted two poems I wrote several years ago for a creative writing class. The point of that was to prove to myself that, without a doubt, (I think) I'm ready to start writing again. Not just this blog, but other, more important things. I stopped writing when someone who I thought had my back let me down. He told me that even if I were talented, I could never actually succeed in writing, so I should just give up and save myself the trouble.

I can't just give up. I care too much about finishing something that I've been writing since I was sixteen. When someone tells me that I can't do it, that even if I had talent I will still inevitibly fail, I want to be able to say, "I'm going to do what I want regardless of your bordering-on-incompetent opinion." So, I'm going to try to do that. We'll see how it goes.

The Mind's Confines

The Mind’s Confines

Restless in a life deemed “perfect”
Forever in search of the next clash,
Seeking a taste of anger, a touch of misery, an injection of deception.
Never asleep, mind keeps rummaging
Through an endless filing cabinet hidden in the back of the mind
Not searching for an answer, just a simple reason
To attempt a smile, to kill.
Never alone, even when solitary,
The mind continues searching…
Life, it goes on without her.

Aged and Ageless

Aged and Ageless

1.
Excessively long, dark, poker straight hair
Ages before I befriended hair dye.
Behind oversized pink plastic glasses--
More than half my face obstructed--
Crooked bangs to offset a crooked, toothless smile.
This second grade picture, sitting on a dusty mantle
The beginning of diminished self-esteem and
Ending with it a picturesque childhood


2.
A woman, old, she’s fragile
Gray hair always perfected
Oversized glasses to cover a wrinkled, ungracefully aged face
Pale, weathered, beautiful;
Tattered gray sweater and delicate working hands.
My great-grandmother;
Her mind is failing, but her heart still beats
And her eyes remain the same.