No offense: the easiest way to, indeed, offend

I feel that this moment should be dedicated to a specific cause. The issue? Saying what someone isn't instead of saying what there are. Let me give an example.

In August I was at my grandparents house celebrating my niece's first birthday. We had an excellent time, laughing and cutting up, enjoying each other's company and my niece's amusement as she ate her miniature chocolate cake. There was a conversation that occurred after the cake was devoured that had me wishing I could hide away and cry in private. I was embarrassed and horrified and just (for lack of a better word) sad. Really, really sad.

My dad's girlfriend had mentioned--to my grandma more than to me--that she thought I should leave my job and go elsewhere. In itself this is not a flawed idea, except for the fact that the job she wanted me to take would mean I would be making less money. Not appealing in any way, shape or form. This segued directly into a conversation about how I needed to leave my place of employment not because it is, inarguably, a dead-end job, but rather because I need to find a husband. Because my primary goal in life should be getting married and making babies. Because this is 2010 and women only work to find compatible body parts that will allow their baby-makers to flourish. Obviously.

"Amanda, no offense, but you will never find a date in a messy kitchen. No one sees you back there but high schoolers." Offensive, but not the lowest blow yet. I agreed that the kitchen was tucked away, recessed into the smallest niche where no one would find me. A place so remote that even if he had been looking, a decent man couldn't find me. This I understand, wholeheartedly, but all this one-sided conversation did was hurt me and more so as it progressed. Naturally from there the conversation went a little something like this: "And it's really not like you're ugly or anything."

Here's my opinion on that: DO NOT TELL SOMEONE THEY ARE NOT UGLY (unless, of course, the statement that directly follows is: "You're beautiful") EVER! Do not tell someone what they're not--tell them what they ARE. Telling a person they are not "ugly" or "unattractive" or whatever does not automatically mean they are attractive. Telling someone they're not stupid doesn't mean they're intelligent. Telling a person they're not guilty doesn't make them innocent. Telling someone you don't hate them doesn't mean you like them.

I don't know if it would have been better for her to just tell me that she thought I was kind of ugly... At least then nothing is sugar-coated--she's not pretending in any fashion.